On the Verge- Ignorance is not bliss

The song that best fits the moment "Your nothing like I thought you were, and nothing like you could have been" -Broken Hearted Girl, Beyonce.

I feel like a water balloon, I will either over fill or burst entirely. I am impatient to fix the problem because there is ALWAYS a problem. If you ignore them they go away but always come back.

I AM TIRED OF NOT KNOWING WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE!

They say 'dont be in a hurry to learn a secret, it can change your life forever'

The waves in puerto rico comes to mind. I am standing knee-deep water, stuck there, awaiting a large wave to help me finally move, even if I end up washed up on shore.

Lets just say I am ready for a dozen secrets to be revealed to me wather or I like them or not.

I do not want to live life in ignorance, it is not bliss, all it is is a way to stall the enivitable.

I almost feel as if an angel will appear and tell me some thing that will fix it all.

FULL UPDATE

The few wedding pictures I have right now...

Ok. First I will touch base with work, kids, marriage, money, family, adoption, etc.

Work -BETTER! Much better. I have so much to keep me busy and I stopped trying to make friends. One of my friends was a co-worker over the summer and she left today so it wont be the same but maybe if I bury myself in work it might help me with the rest of my stress by being productive. I find I'm happier at work because of it.

Productive is a word that DOES NOT describe me lately. I do dishes every day and get alot done at work, I take good care of the kids but everything I do is bare-mininum. I can openly admit I am not happy with my life. I am lonely and pissed about it. Of course, I want to blame someone, which puts keith in the red-zone, and we are already on edge with each other.

So thats it, I am lonely. I feel lazy and bummed and I feel like life is right outside my door passing on by while I wave 'Bye Life' in the mean time my bored children are driving me crazy.

Kids- Driving me crazy. lol sounds repeatitive? It is. They are so restless and fighting all the time, Kaden being more whiney than usual and kenzie making up storys and not using her 'listening ears' or her ears at all for that matter. They want out, but I just want to sit here and be bummed.

I dont know what to do about it. Ever feel like the majority of your life consist of you conveincing your self 'it will get better in time' My whole life its been "Well when I get this job' "Well when I get a raise' "Well when keith starts school" "when keith finish's school"

Blah blah. Two years of that and I have to ask myself 'What now?' and What is so horrible about my life now? Yeah I HATE being alone. So my current excuse "When Keith get first shift"...ok I wont be alone, but me and keith have been fighting, so what we will fight more? or less?

Marriage- So I am irratated with him., Mainly because he works his butt of between taking care of the kids and work and school he has no time with me. And the small 15 minutes we do have suck! I dunno, you be mr phil because I dont know anymore.

Money & Adoption go hand in hand. We have no money because of the adoption, the adoption has been on stand still because we have no money. Right now we have to pay the social worker which is 250, but we cant do the social order until we have insurance which will be 320 monthly, something we honestly cannot fit in our budget. On top of that we have not heard form her biological father. So URGH. My sallie mae loan is also dangerously behind and I got a ticket the other day oh and I gotta get both my cats fized like ASAP.

As for family? Everybody is good. I am going to be an Aunt in march! My sister is law in preggers but pregnancy takes forever dude! And I'm not even the one pregnant!

Ok Kaden is in my face with a dirty diapers, we gotta go to me maws.

Later!

OK! Good news! I am rather chipper today. Yesterday was good to but the kids were crazy (another story for another day)

Today and yesterday were great good non-headache, non-sleepy days! YAY! I was sick but all better now!

AMANDA'S WEDDING WENT VERY VERY WELL! I will post pictures when I can, I dont personally have any I'm waiting on everyone else! The kids looked great and the bride was blushing! The groom cried, and so did my dad. Me? I balled like a baby.

I wish I could write more but I have been going through so much personal drama its hard to sit and write and not get to personal. Lets just say I'm scattered brained and pretty much confused as heck. (ever see fireproof????)
And I'm ready for a clean home, I suck at house work, and I am the only qualified person to do it really but I have to admit, I have been getting alittle 'no its me-time' selfish lately. I have been shutting myself in the house getting a social fill on myspace and watching bootleg movies online. BLAH

Money has been a major issues that I dont even wanna dig into that, its mainly the adoption that is bugging me, but I WILL GIVE A FULL UPDATE ON THAT LATER!