A world of change.

So I decide I'm going to go back to school. *buzzer* wrong answer.

Yes, my job and flexiable hours are perfect, BUT not at all possible when adding in childcare cost. I figured I work while keith has them during the day and put them in after school care so I can go to school but I am faced with the decision to put them in daycare 8+ hours a day. uh, NO.

That is only a small sliver of what is running through my mind. Because.

Keith may (slim, but still possible) get the 1st shift in console position. I could not be more thrilled about the position and 1st shift will (to me) make us whole again. I would like to make dinner, and be together as a family daily. BUT Will me and keith get along? He wont help me with the kids because he will be doing school work, so he will be locked up in our room, will that just hurt more?

I am so very confused. I will leave this one in the hands of God.

My life; Starring: ME!

I have had a fabulous week. Wanna know why? Cause its a week in the life of me. Thats right, not "A Week in the life of the Strickland family", or 'the ramsey family'. Not a 'week in the life of Amanda, guest apperance by Courtney' Not even "A week in the life of Keith and Courtney Etc"
Nope, "A week in the life of Courtney"
My new view of Life.
I live this life and breath in and out willingly and undoubtfully for my kids. They are what gives me strenght to keep this geunia-pig wheel rolling. I may be running hard and fast but I am not getting anywhere, and right now thats ok, because there is no where I need to be just yet until I decide that.
I have been so worried about my 'future career' or school, work, family and my Husband. I am just now realizing that, hello, I am only 22. Some of the friends I have are just wrapping up college, some have just started, and in an ideal lifestyle it goes- 1. college, 2. then job, 3. then marriage, 4. then kids.
Even though I have got that completely flipped I am still 3 steps ahead of the game at 22 no matter what order you put it in. I do not feel like I am missing out on anything at life, or that my life is on hold. I am living a full very fullfilling life everyday. a life of joy happiness and purpose and still, the world at my fingertips. Everything else seems so small. Like my job, even though its a great job, its not my whole life. and its not forever. My marriage, although the very color in my world, does sometime limit my future plans because I have put my spouse's plans in front of my own, but it does not limit what I am capable of.
Its disappointing to me that many have forgotten who I am, what I can do. That even though this housewife and mother of 2 is married and settled, doesnt not mean I have lost my ambition, or my strive for independence, I have simply slowed down the let the rest of the world catch up. (That was a joke)

In all seriousness I am ready to push forward. I realized today that the job I have really isnt forever, the flexiable part time hours are perfect for a school schedule, I feel that I need to act on that before it is to late.

Unfortionalty my marriage is no where near perfect, confusingly enough very far from it, I can admit, thats to be expected, however, this does not mean I can't bake my cake and eat it to. In other words, why do I feel like marriage my limit? When I am far from done.

On the Verge- Ignorance is not bliss

The song that best fits the moment "Your nothing like I thought you were, and nothing like you could have been" -Broken Hearted Girl, Beyonce.

I feel like a water balloon, I will either over fill or burst entirely. I am impatient to fix the problem because there is ALWAYS a problem. If you ignore them they go away but always come back.

I AM TIRED OF NOT KNOWING WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE!

They say 'dont be in a hurry to learn a secret, it can change your life forever'

The waves in puerto rico comes to mind. I am standing knee-deep water, stuck there, awaiting a large wave to help me finally move, even if I end up washed up on shore.

Lets just say I am ready for a dozen secrets to be revealed to me wather or I like them or not.

I do not want to live life in ignorance, it is not bliss, all it is is a way to stall the enivitable.

I almost feel as if an angel will appear and tell me some thing that will fix it all.

FULL UPDATE

The few wedding pictures I have right now...

Ok. First I will touch base with work, kids, marriage, money, family, adoption, etc.

Work -BETTER! Much better. I have so much to keep me busy and I stopped trying to make friends. One of my friends was a co-worker over the summer and she left today so it wont be the same but maybe if I bury myself in work it might help me with the rest of my stress by being productive. I find I'm happier at work because of it.

Productive is a word that DOES NOT describe me lately. I do dishes every day and get alot done at work, I take good care of the kids but everything I do is bare-mininum. I can openly admit I am not happy with my life. I am lonely and pissed about it. Of course, I want to blame someone, which puts keith in the red-zone, and we are already on edge with each other.

So thats it, I am lonely. I feel lazy and bummed and I feel like life is right outside my door passing on by while I wave 'Bye Life' in the mean time my bored children are driving me crazy.

Kids- Driving me crazy. lol sounds repeatitive? It is. They are so restless and fighting all the time, Kaden being more whiney than usual and kenzie making up storys and not using her 'listening ears' or her ears at all for that matter. They want out, but I just want to sit here and be bummed.

I dont know what to do about it. Ever feel like the majority of your life consist of you conveincing your self 'it will get better in time' My whole life its been "Well when I get this job' "Well when I get a raise' "Well when keith starts school" "when keith finish's school"

Blah blah. Two years of that and I have to ask myself 'What now?' and What is so horrible about my life now? Yeah I HATE being alone. So my current excuse "When Keith get first shift"...ok I wont be alone, but me and keith have been fighting, so what we will fight more? or less?

Marriage- So I am irratated with him., Mainly because he works his butt of between taking care of the kids and work and school he has no time with me. And the small 15 minutes we do have suck! I dunno, you be mr phil because I dont know anymore.

Money & Adoption go hand in hand. We have no money because of the adoption, the adoption has been on stand still because we have no money. Right now we have to pay the social worker which is 250, but we cant do the social order until we have insurance which will be 320 monthly, something we honestly cannot fit in our budget. On top of that we have not heard form her biological father. So URGH. My sallie mae loan is also dangerously behind and I got a ticket the other day oh and I gotta get both my cats fized like ASAP.

As for family? Everybody is good. I am going to be an Aunt in march! My sister is law in preggers but pregnancy takes forever dude! And I'm not even the one pregnant!

Ok Kaden is in my face with a dirty diapers, we gotta go to me maws.

Later!

OK! Good news! I am rather chipper today. Yesterday was good to but the kids were crazy (another story for another day)

Today and yesterday were great good non-headache, non-sleepy days! YAY! I was sick but all better now!

AMANDA'S WEDDING WENT VERY VERY WELL! I will post pictures when I can, I dont personally have any I'm waiting on everyone else! The kids looked great and the bride was blushing! The groom cried, and so did my dad. Me? I balled like a baby.

I wish I could write more but I have been going through so much personal drama its hard to sit and write and not get to personal. Lets just say I'm scattered brained and pretty much confused as heck. (ever see fireproof????)
And I'm ready for a clean home, I suck at house work, and I am the only qualified person to do it really but I have to admit, I have been getting alittle 'no its me-time' selfish lately. I have been shutting myself in the house getting a social fill on myspace and watching bootleg movies online. BLAH

Money has been a major issues that I dont even wanna dig into that, its mainly the adoption that is bugging me, but I WILL GIVE A FULL UPDATE ON THAT LATER!

Not Being Myself :(

Oh no! I'm sucha pessitimist! NOT COOL!

I have not felt very up-beat lately, although I'm excited about upcoming events I have not been staying in touch with friends or family, or at least..not keeping them informed.

I AM SO BORED AT MY HOUSE! but I dont leave here either. I have been suffering from migraines and just all over acheyness and I know what it is!
Its a mix between himid weather and me stressing out from work!!!

I use to love work but the past 2 weeks have been horrible! The stress is bogging me down and I havnt even be able to get up as early as I use to, and can't fall asleep at night. I have been wanting to eat more, sleep more, play less. Not to mention I can foresee tons of finincial issues in a few weeks.

The kids have been good, kaden got a haircut today and he looks very handsome. Everything he does is adoreable, but you have to constantly keep him busy or he will whine alot, and once they get a certain age I wont stand for it.
McKenzie...she has been good to. But I cant help but feel bad for her. I feel like she is missing out by not being active enough or being in school. All she wants to do is draw and write and I feel so guilty I can't give her that social and educational fill she needs...I like being crazy busy I just cant seem to 'get up' I just wanna 'give in'

On a brighter note Amandas bachlorette party is tomorrow. I would be thrilled if I wasnt sweating it about money. I promised her so much and I just hope I can pull it off with the little amount that I have.
The wedding is next week and I'm ready for the most part. Just need to bind the bouquets and I'm good to go.

Whew

Ok So I have been busy but also kind of bummed out. I havnt had a good day sense Thursday.
Today was good, one of my friends came over and I dyed her hair, then I has my sister and her fiance over for dinner. I cleaned, but its messy again, so I will probably clean again tomorrow.

Work seems longer and harder. Everyone is more annoying, and I am not usaully annoyed easy. The kids have been ok but not as good as they were. Me and Keith havnt been good either, and although I think thats one sided, I still feel as though I have a reason to be upset with him. I make alot of sense when telling someone how I feel and why, but when I get ready to express to Keith how I feel nothing comes out right. I assume its because its a spontangious anger but its not.
Its not his fault, I dont think he is doing anything wrong I am just either unhappy and upset with him for not noticing or annoyed and he is provoacing it.

I would try to write it out here, but thats to personal so I will keep this one to myself but I am being picky, lets just put it that way.

This weekend is free as far as I know, so I'm going to try and go on a date with my hubby.

BOO for long weeks and stressful weekends.

Busy Mama Bee at it again

Hidy Ho!
Dont worry I'm not dead! Just busy!

Got the girls dresses, got my dress, and amanda got her dress. Were in the middle of getting them tailored.
This wedding planning thing got insane fast! I decided its no longer fun, I am I looking forward to the occasion though.
There is still a ton to do and I am now planning the wedding shower this weekend. Tomorrow I have a long day of work followed by (hopefully) dinner. Friday my bestie is coming into town and were hanging out! I need her so much! I miss Sarah, definalty one of my favorite people in the world! Saturday I have two birthday partys to take Kenzie to then Sunday is the shower.

I babysat Karly yesterday and today, she was perfect, such an angel! And my kids had someone to play with so they stayed outta my hair so I cleaned, it was awesome!

I have a big day of work tomorrow and I'm actually excited. I have no work already planned out so maybe I will learn something new. I have 9 hours of work tomorrow and no desk so I will be running around which sounds like a good change of pace.

I dont know what to write other then its was a really crazy week/weekend last weekend and its looking like a crazy weekend this weekend to, LOVIN IT! I found I am most happy when I am crazy busy. I HATE sitting at home, it drives me crazy.

Speaking of drives me crazy, I'm frustrated...
but thats another issue for another day.




P.s. Someone returned my wallet

The cup hath runth over!

I swear my head would roll right off my shoulders if it wasnt attached by my neck.

I 'lost' my wallet two weeks ago, it has my liscense, my old social security card, an old debit card, and two credits cards in it. Basically everything. S@#$%%&&%^%##

I have my debit card,
I got a new liscense on the way,
and I have my social security card,
but still. What a pain in the butt!!!!

And the worst part is amandas bachlorette party is in 16 days and I cant go because I dont have an ID! GOSH DARNIT! (that was completely filtered)

My wallet wasnt lost, it was 'misplaced' by me and my friend while gathering the stuff in the car after a trip to the mall. I think it may have gotten placed on top of my car while we were leaving.

GGRRRR

My house is such a wreck...kitty litter needs to be cleaned, bathrooms, clothes. My living room looks like a tornado went through it. Keith was nice enough to do the dishes today so at least thats one less thing on my already full plate but its so darn hot in the house to do anything!
I take comfort in the fact I dont have to entertain any one. My house keeping skills might suck for now but at least now one has proof. lol

Well, such an excited year. My cousin is moving to houston and having a baby, my best friend and sister are getting married, even an old friend is getting married this year, also my neighbor is expected...
cant help but feel jealous. I was looking at maturnity clothes the other day and every bit of me was screaming "buy that extremely adoreable looking shirt thats half off! Thats called planning ahead!" It looked so cute on the manikin...I wanted to rub its belly and steal its shirt...how horrible.
I want a little girl, I want another little girl so bad. Most of me has decided not to do anything stupid til October, then the shettles method after getting my IUD removed should buy us a few months, that sounds good to me but at the same time when am I going to go back to school? What if Keith really doesnt want any more kids? Will Kaden be grown up enough by then?
Its something I want, but sense I am older with two kids and a tipsy topsy marriage and finincial situations I'm seriously doubting its a good idea to have any more at all.
I have an idea in my head how I want everything, and its all very practical. I want to expect it, I want Keith to expect it, I want Keith to want it (highly unlikely). I want tears of Joy and nothing else. I want to plan together and decorate together...I want two normal, mutually happy parents for my next child, I'm not sure it that will ever happen, and I really just want to know the truth now so I can go back to school, or get this 'cosmetic surgery' done (long story but nothing I cant do til I am done having kids).


Ok its bath time, then I have to put away clothes and get ready for work tomorrow.

Confused

Wishes start simple, in the beginning
Things you long for, are the things you don’t have

…but still, a simple kiss would be just enough..
...Just enough to get you through a day…

Then for granted we take the things we have now
The things we didn’t have in the beginning

…but a simple kiss would have been just enough..
..just enough to get me through today….

Now we long for how simple these things were in the beginning,
Now, When we don’t have them at all in the end.